I have nothing to prove

"The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less. I don't need to notice myself - how I'm doing, how I'm being regarded - so often."

-- Tim Keller, The Reason for God 


I have a new life, and it all started with this: I have nothing to prove.

This, I believe, is the essence of justification. I am justified. Before the judgment seat of God, the case is closed, I don't have to prove anything to anyone, to myself, or even to God, because Jesus' atonement is sufficient to declare me not guilty. I don't have to prove I am a good person, or a smart one. Because I'm not. I've known this fact for quite some time, but for some reason I kept trying to prove that I was good. I thought, well, I'm forgiven, I trust Jesus for my salvation, I have the Holy Spirit inside me, so now with God's help I can finally be the good person He wants me to be. I knew all of these verses:

Rom 4:4-5  Now to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift but as his due. And to the one who does not work but believes in him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness, 

Mat 11:28-30  "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  


Gal 5:1  For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. 


Col 2:6-7  Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.


2Co 12:9-10  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I knew these verses, and I understood them, partially. I knew that my sanctification was by faith, just as I had first accepted Christ, not by my effort. I knew I was supposed to be able to rest in God's work. But it didn't penetrate my heart. I was endlessly frustrated with myself. I am my own worst critic. Every time I failed I would feel horrible about myself and beg God to change me. Not that asking Him to change me was wrong, but the guilt, the guilt! It followed me around constantly! I knew I was supposed to be free of it, and that just made me feel more guilty!

I combated the guilt with truth - that sin was paid for, Jesus died for that too, I'm forgiven - but the relief was only temporary. The guilt was always there, waiting to pounce. I had a profound dislike of myself. I hate my sin. I hate my flawed nature. Therefore, I hate my self.

The problem was that my identity was still based on being a good person. I wanted to be good with all of my heart. And whenever that identity was threatened, boy howdy, I had an internal meltdown! Or question my intelligence, and my insecurity skyrocketed.

So how did this idea of having nothing to prove finally penetrate my deceived heart? I realized that my identity cannot be based on my ability to follow Jesus. My worth isn't based on my ability to be moral or having true knowledge of God. My forgiveness isn't based on or inhibited by my tendency for legalism and self-righteousness. That's what finally broke down the wall - I realized I was not just forgiven for every sinful act I have ever or will ever commit. I'm forgiven for the flawed nature that I hate in myself that leads me to those sins. Jesus paid the price to fix my broken soul. And not only fix, but give me new life in Him. This is what it means to have my identity in Christ! When I trust fully in what He did on the cross to cover my worst flaws, I have nothing to prove. I am free from trying to be moral - and I can't do it anyway! I knew I couldn't, but I kept trying to justify my identity. Now I can lay that down and just rest. I am justified. I have nothing to prove.

What about obedience? What about spiritual growth? I think I finally have the right motivation to obey, which will grow me in ways I never could before. If I know I have nothing to prove, my only motivation for obeying is love. My motivation is thankfulness and gratitude. Knowledge of being able to rest and not justify myself will lead me to greater, truer obedience and growth, because I will obey out of a right heart, not to make myself better.

And the incredible gift I've received: the guilt is gone! The weight is lifted, I feel like I can breathe. For the first time I genuinely feel forgiven. I feel clean.

How precious is Your blood, Lord!

Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.

And the song that has been constantly running through my inner ear:
All this guilt disturbs my peace, I find no release.
Who can save me from my crime? I'm helpless.
Behold I fall before Your face in need of grace.
You speak to me in a gentle voice and in Your mercies I rejoice!
For only Your blood is enough to cover my sin,
Only Your blood is enough to cover me!

A Prayer for Japan

You have shaken the land and torn it open;
mend its fractures, for it is quaking.

You have shown your people desperate times;
you have given us wine that makes us stagger.

But for those who fear you, you have raised a banner
to be unfurled against the bow.

Save us and help us with your right hand
that those you love may be delivered.

Psalm 60:2-5

Expecting

This seems like an auspicious day to re-enter the blogging world.

Today we found out we are expecting a little girl!

Why did I wait so long to come back to this?

Fear. There was a lot of fear in getting pregnant immediately after losing a second baby. My emotions weren't coherent enough to put down on paper, at least not for anyone else to read them. The peace God had given me after losing that baby didn't seem to apply to this new situation - I had to relearn that lesson. But He was faithful to teach it to me a second time. I'm pretty sure you never graduate from that class, so I'll continue to relearn it in other situations.

In Genesis 15, Abram was still afraid that he would never have the heir that God has promised. But God reassured him, "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." God knew Abram's fear even before he confessed it. God directly addressed his fear a few verses later, but first He says to Abram, "I am your shield, your very great reward."

God is our shield from fear. He protects our minds, hearts, and souls when we trust Him to be faithful. I know that He will never make a decision for my life that is outside of His extravagant love for me. I can bank on that.

God is also my ultimate reward. I've discovered through this journey that the greatest reward is not having my prayers answered, though that is wonderful. It's not even the knowledge God has given me through these trials or the growth I've seen. It's that He's brought me closer to Himself, the source of true happiness and joy. He knew what He was doing all along - His plan for my ultimate fulfillment in Him.


And now, off to Hobby Lobby so I can make something pink!

Boasting in Weakness

I've been thinking about self-disclosure lately. I seem to be on the high end of the scale. Not that I tell random people the intimate details of my life (wait, does blogging count?), but with friends it doesn't take much for me to spill my guts. But what about the hard stuff? Sins I'm still struggling with? Things I'm not trusting God for? What I'm being lazy in, or disobedient?

After listing numerous ways that he has suffered for God, Paul disdains all that might be admired, things that could be boasted in, in favor of boasting in that which does not highlight his own strength.

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.
2 Corinthians 11:30

Paul gives a call to be real, to be vulnerable. It's a call away from pride and self-protectiveness. Showing trusted others our weaknesses can bring God glory because it reveals His power in us. 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.
2 Corinthians 4:7

I want to see God's power at work, in my life and the lives of my brothers and sisters. I want to see how each of us are being transformed into Christ's likeness, because when God's power is revealed He is glorified. To quote Beth Moore, "God's glory is the way He makes Himself known or shows Himself mighty...God's glory is how He shows who He is." Isaiah declares that we were created to glorify God (43:7), and Beth reasons that He uses us for His glory in two ways: by making Himself recognizable to us and making Himself recognizable through us.

But in order for God to be glorified by us becoming a display of His power, we must be honest about where we're really at. We need to let each other see that we are fragile jars of clay.

I recently read this article by John Piper which I think gives some worthy insight. When we are vulnerable enough to share our true needs and struggles with each other, God can pour out His mercy through the spiritual gifts He's given to the body. And using us to minister to each other in our vulnerability will surely bring Him glory.

So I'm left to ponder, how can I give God glory by boasting in my weakness?

Comparing

Why are we so tempted to compare? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this one of the biggest problems women deal with in their walk. I know it's true for me. I compare my successes, my failures, my trials, my blessings. I fight this temptation constantly because I know it is the enemy of contentment.

I'm reminded of what Jesus said to Peter about comparing:

Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, "Follow me."
Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who had been reclining at table close to him and had said, "Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?"
When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?"
Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!"

John 21:18-22 

I was encouraged to realize afresh this morning that my walk with God is absolutely unique. God is molding each one of us like clay in His hands. We will all become beautiful works of art, slowly being transformed into Christ's likeness from glory to glory. How He accomplishes that in each person is different. Imagine how boring it would be to share our testimonies in heaven if they were all the same story! I for one am grateful to know my testimony is special to God because it is unique. Each of us can bring irreplaceable glory to God, and we can rejoice in that!

A new kind of pain

Yesterday I experienced a something I wasn't prepared for. One of my dear friends told me she was expecting.
I didn't have the same reaction as I'd had in months past. There was still pain, but this was different. This was shaking in my boots, help me I can't breathe grief. My throat caught, but I didn't sob. I walked around in a daze for about an hour. I think it was just the shock that I still had this pain inside me that really shook me up. But why shouldn't I feel grief? It's only been two weeks for heaven's sake!
But the key thing that was missing was the "sock me in the gut" feeling. The "not me" feeling. The jealousy. This was purely grief for the baby I lost. And I can be thankful for that.

The End of Waiting

Three weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. Eighteen months of "No"s and finally a "Yes!".

I thought my long wait was over. But let me back up...

I had a really hard time in June, struggling with my emotions as many new babies were being born at church and more on the way. I was ashamed of the ugliness of my heart that was being dredged to the surface by my circumstances. I dug myself a hiding-out hole, read some wonderfully depressing books, and pulled away from life. I was in the pit.

In July, I decided I didn't ever want to go back to that pit again. I had laid myself down in torment, by my own choice. I knew this would be a constant temptation for me, because there's a part of me that actually likes being down there in the pit. That realization struck me in my gut. How can I hate this part of me, and yet want to wallow in it at the same time?

I met with a good friend in early August who had struggled to conceive for a very long time, but now has a precious 2 month old baby boy. She lent me the book "Inconceivable" and I proceeded to devour it in one sitting.

God used this book to convict me that my desire for another child had become idolatry. I was willing to give God everything, or so I thought, but in the back of my mind I kept saying, "But not this. This I will keep for myself. You can't have it." I had let the desire to be pregnant consume my thoughts. I worshiped it. I held it behind my back, a treasured possession that I was going to keep all for myself. I loved it more than God, and I was ashamed. I had thought for so many months that it was just my depression that needed dealt with, but no, now I found that it was the source of the depression that was the source of my sin. Why was I depressed? Because life wasn't going according to my plan. I wanted something, above all other things. Well, guess what, I'm not in charge of my life. I gave up being in charge nine years ago.

I repented.

I took my dream of a large family and laid it on the altar. I gave God all authority.

I told Jon that I was okay with having a one child family, if that was God's plan. And I wanted him to hold me accountable for my heart attitude. He agreed.

I told God that I wanted to want Him more than anything else. He answered that prayer, but not in the way I expected.

Two days later, surprise! A positive pregnancy test??? Are you KIDDING me? Now? After I just laid this on the altar? I was in shock for a few days, and then fear took hold. I asked myself, "Hey, you just gave God authority to do whatever He wants with your fertility and had immense peace from that decision. Why are you not transferring the lesson you just learned to this new situation?" I fought my fear the best I could - clinging to promises from scripture and sharing our good news with close friends and family. I wanted to rejoice. But I had symptoms that were nagging me that something wasn't right.

Another u-turn was in store. I went in for an early ultrasound due to my history of ectopic pregnancy. I was having cramping only on my right side.

There wasn't a baby in my womb. But there was a "mass" in my right fallopian tube.

It had happened again. My fears were realized. This was reality.

Why would God allow this? I thought this was my "YES!" What is this?


The first few days I went about my regular routine in a daze, still acting like life is normal. But I could feel the darkness beckoning behind me; I only had to turn around and embrace it and I would descend deep into the pit. I constantly combated the lies in my mind that were waiting to pounce at the first sign of weakness. "This is your fault, you didn't get it the first time around, you don't deserve another child." I can confidently say the enemy didn't win that battle. I stuck to truth. I preached it to myself even though my heart didn't agree with my own preaching.

Then the grief came. And I had to be okay with that. This child deserves my grief. My friends loved me enough to keep asking me how I was doing. They brought meals. They called and emailed. They prayed. I didn't go through it alone. My beautiful two-year old came to me and wiped away the tears from my eyes. And I prayed for God to restore my joy. Slowly the fear of succumbing to overwhelming depression disappeared.

How? I found myself cherishing every little smile that my son brought to my face. I chose to believe that God would not withhold good from me. I chose to believe that He cannot make a choice for my life that is inconsistent with His unfailing love.

These were choices. I chose to believe everything I knew about God's character to be true even though my heart felt dead. I chose to believe even though it didn't feel true. God is the God of the Resurrection. I knew He could resurrect my heart.

And God fulfilled this promise from Psalm 40:

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD."

I sang songs of praise. He began to heal my heart. He showed me the good that had already come of this trial. My faith had deepened through this pain. This was the worst life had thrown at me to date, but God sustained me through it. My faith did not fail, by His grace.

And something inexplicable happened. I have peace. By surrendering yet again to God's authority, my peace is like a river.

And something else. I have often struggled in feeling assured of God's love for me. But I have a greater conviction of God's love for me now after He's allowed this painful trial and loss than when life was easier. What a beautiful paradoxical fruit of suffering. Logically it would seem that an assurance of God's love would come from blessing, but God chose to bless and answer my deepest heart need through adversity.



I told God that I wanted to want Him more than anything else, and He made that a reality.

Because God is sovereign.

Waiting

Waiting is hard.
I don't feel like I have some wonderful insightful thing to share. But these are the lessons I've been immersed in learning for the past year and a half.


I am not in control of my life. God is in control.
I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  Job 42:2

I know what seems best to me, but God knows better.
There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. Proverbs 16:25 

I can trust God is good no matter the circumstances of my life. He will not withhold good from me.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11 


Everyone is waiting for something. I'm not alone in my waiting, though it often feels like it. Even Jesus is waiting. His plans are perfect, and my submission to His plan will lead to my best possible good.

He truly does care about every aspect of my life.
But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Mark 4:38-40

Denying that God cares about my pain and grief in waiting is blatant unbelief. Of course He cares. That's who He is. He is infinitely large, but also infinitely small. He cares about every thing that happens to me, every desire of my heart. And I can trust Him with my heart, for He is infinitely trustworthy. He is worthy of my trust, and I endeavor to give Him all that He deserves.

To whom shall we go?

And yet, we say with Peter, “To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” No one ever spoke like you. No one every acted like you. No was ever so strong and meek, so tough and tender, so authoritative and gentle, so profound and simple, so powerful and so willing to be killed, so just and so willing to be treated unjustly, so worthy of honor and so willing to be dishonored, so deserving of immediate obedience and so patient with people like us, so able to answer every question and so willing to remain silent under abuse, so capable of coming down from the cross in flaming judgment, and so committed not to use that power. -- John Piper

I can't say it any better than that. wow.

True Blindness

John 9:39-41 Jesus said, "For judgment I came into this world, that those who do not see may see, and those who see may become blind." Some of the Pharisees near him heard these things, and said to him, "Are we also blind?" Jesus said to them, "If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, 'We see,' your guilt remains.

Jesus heals those who admit their blindness by giving them true spiritual sight. Those who won't admit their blindness are truly blind. So I search my life for signs of blindness, that I may continue to repent and be given true sight.

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!